Captain’s Log Won-Won

So… The biggest drawback of this new phone is that I can’t get my old writing app on it. So much content, just lost. And I just had a GORGEOUS woman give me a “hi, how are you doing?” I forgot how to speak for a moment… And, I’ll probably never see her again.

Ambidextrous people must be so much better at clipping their nails. The movie Hereditary was NOT what I thought it was going to be. I have to watch this thing again. It’s official, I’m going stag to the ball. Thank God for this new phone, my old one would randomly hold texts for a couple of days (literally) before deciding to send them to me. Definitely just got a coffee and water, and tried to put cream in my water. I just got hurled into the friend zone, face first, door shut and latched behind me.
“I would show you some pictures of my wife, but you don’t share things like that.”
Um… “I didn’t ask. And no, I don’t.”
How is that weird? I’m ok with vaguely (in VERY general terms) describing a picture I might have gotten from a significant other, but why would I want you to see sexy pictures of my girl or a girl that I’ve been with? Am I the only one who’s surprised that they are still good at sex after not doing it for a while?

Like “oh, this thing still works? Nice!” Woke up to blood and puss leaking from the pimple that was in my ear. It doesn’t get much more disgusting than that ladies and gentlemen. I finally build up the courage to say something to her and a day later we’re randomly thrown into a new Kik group together. So, I get to watch dudes flirt with her (and vice versa) all over again, oh joy!

I need someone to take a picture of me naked, not in a weird way, it’s to get back at some of my guy friends. Nothing about this sounds right, but I promise that it’s less weird than it sounds. I think it’s clear that she just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I love how online dating is now more about avoiding bots and scammers than it is about actually finding someone to date. And a cam model just followed me back AND messaged me on Instagram… Just to chat…

Because apparently she reads my blog? This is a whole nother level. Instead of deleting my hard drive after I die, find someone who’s as messed up as I am and pass it on, pay it forward. Changed my online dating pictures and instantly got a match. Um, what was wrong with the old pictures? It would be really nice if Burt’s Bees could make something that I don’t enjoy. At this point I feel like I might have been assimilated…

Into the Bee-Borg… Resistance was in fact futile… If you didn’t catch that reference you are what’s wrong with the world today. How do you expect to make a better tomorrow if you don’t know anything about Space, the final frontier!? Every time I turn down a booty call I imagine my manhood questioning my decision like “how crazy is ‘too crazy’ really?” Is putting paper over the bowl before you sit down a black thing?

Just heard “let me talk to your mother” from a girl on the phone on the train with me, and now I’m all ears! Just woke up 100% sure that I was not only waking up late for work, but that I also just got done having a phone conversation that I had to end because I was running late, two hours before my alarm went off. I really hate asthma. Come to think of it, is someone working on a cure for asthma? I just realized that I have been using the same brand of deodorant for damn near two decades now. I obviously like it, but maybe I should try something new, you never know.

I wonder how many women playing F/Marry/Kill have wished death upon me. Guy next to me typing on his phone just asked if I have the time. You know what would be really cool? If I could use one card for public transit in any state. We should just get E-ZPass in the public transit system. What’s the female equivalent of “don’t spend too much time in your room, you’ll go blind”?

Today I was reminded about the other golden rule, Rule #34. Really hit it off with a girl at the bar last night, to the point where I’m planning to go back next Friday just to see if she’s there… Is that weird? This writing app isn’t bad, but I should probably switch to Google docs in case this ever happens again. When it comes to jokes, if it needs to be explained it shouldn’t be explained. The critics really hated Venom, I actually thought it was pretty good.

And it looks like I’m back to opening beers and passing out before taking a sip, cool. It’s so weird when people drop the N-bomb around me as if I’m ok with it. Like, have you heard me use it before? Nope. Then what would make you think that I’m ok with it? Once you get over 50 don’t ask people to guess your age, it might not end well.

Being single has really made me realize how much crap I am not able to put up with in a relationship. I really hate when people park all jacked up in handicapped spots. Hold the phone, she just said that she was “injoying” talking to me, INjoying, with an I. Remember getting a movie from blockbuster, popping it into the VCR, pressing play, and seeing the middle of the ending credits because the person before you didn’t rewind it? The struggle was real. I’ve got a date! I think.

I’m pretty sure. Got a date later today, really excited about it, annddd… I’m coming down with a cold. This thing better act right and hold off for a couple of hours. The sniffles mixed with a pimple in my nose that looks like it’s ready to pop, this could get interesting/disgusting. How’d it go?

Amazingly. And now I’m thinking about asking her to the ball next month, is that too soon? Yep, got a ball date. Wow, this is going really well, I’m gonna have to stop talking about it before I somehow jinx it. Do any other animals do butt-stuff? I’m not sure if it’s best to post this as two logs or to leave it as a longer one.

~

Until next time, date.

P.S. I THINK that I might have mentioned it before, but if not… I think that when it comes to first dates (if it goes well) you should always make it a point to leave your date with something tangible. Doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be a movie/event ticket, something that you buy/make on the date, anything really, anything other than just a to-go box. The date that I just had left with this little guy, his name is Cap, and he has a freaking shield!