Let’s Text About It

I’ve been asked multiple times to do something a little less… Um… “Dark”. Each and every time I refused (except for the two or three times that I didn’t, but that doesn’t sound as definitive… Ssshhh) to include the story which you’re about to read. It was going to get pretty dark, until I realized that it was being read aloud to children as I typed it. So… If you wanted random, off the cuff, and not dark, this one’s for you… Oh… LIGHTBULB!!! Since it was a conversation, instead of turning it into something that it’s not, how about I do you one better and show you the actual (abridged) text thread? I know… I’m a genius… You’re welcome. Now please, hold all applause until the end.

Not Me: I’m bored tell me a story lol
Me: Lol give me a topic
Not Me: A princess and a dragon
Me: It was a dark and stormy night
Not Me: Ooooo
Me: And the dragon was hungry
Not Me: Uh huh. What’s the dragons name
Me: Princess Piecake went to the dungeon to grab some food for her pet dragon, Apollo
Not Me: Omg I love this so so much already
Me: One by one, she led the peasants to Apollos’ nest. Gulp
Not Me: Aawwww he’s eating peasants?’
Me: Some were swallowed whole
Not Me: Poor people (it was at this point in the editing phase when I realized that I could just do Control F, Replace, and have the computer automatically copy /paste “Not Me” over the name of the person that I had this conversation with instead of me going line by line by line by… You get it… I REALLY suck with technology… That is all)
Me: “aaahhh”. Some were roasted first
Not Me: Ewww gross
Me: Lol they’re criminals
Not Me: Oooo Okies
Me: Legend has it… Apollo liked to play with his food
Not Me: Oh what did he do
Me: He’d offer them a chance to win their freedom
Not Me: Oh how?!
Me: By playing him in a game of shoots and ladders
Not Me: Oh I bet he cheats! Sneaky sneaky dragon
Me: You lose, you get eaten
Not Me: Obvi
Me: You win, you get your freedom. For the moment
Not Me: Oooooooo plot twist
Me: He would let you go back to your life
Not Me: Ohs?
Me: And then at night… He would track you down
Not Me: Oh dang
Me: Whole villages were destroyed as a result of Apollo trying to find the sad human who thought he had him beat
Not Me: Whoa he sucks at tracking people down
Me: I should note… Apollo was a TERRIBLE tracker
Not Me: Hahahahaa omg this is great
Me: I could never tell it it was really that bad or if it was a combination of that and the fact that he may have worked up an appetite during his tracking. Tonight was different
Not Me: Oh no why was tonight different?!
Me: The man who beat him was never supposed to be there
Not Me: Oh why not
Me: He was the princess’s secret lover. Well, not so secret
Not Me: Ooooooooo maybe I should stop reading this to <insert name of little eared mini-adult here>
Me: Geez
Not Me: No it’s ok keep going
Me: Um (the wheels in my head were turning frantically, trying to get past the horror erotica I had in mind). Rocky. And as soon as Rocky beat Apollo he went back into the castle to get a last look at his love. As usual… Apollo started wanted to get his missed meal. The scent was so very strong. So very close
Not Me: Uh huh!
Me: Tracking Rocky from the dungeon to the tower a couple hundred yards (murica) away was a breeze (for the record, “(murica)” was actually a part of the text. I’m not sure if that makes reading this better or worse…)
Not Me: Oh no!! Not Rocky!
Me: He stared with Rocky. Blew a flame on either side of him
Not Me: Oh goodness
Me: Making a wall of flames around them. Only two ways out. Either through Apollo. Or in him
Not Me: Wow this is so intense. Oooooo dang! Not in him!!
Me: But. Rocky was not alone
Not Me: Was the princess there?!?
Me: He had found Piecake
Not Me: Omg
Me: The princess and him were now face to face with her oversized pet. And he was hungry. She screamed. Rocky yelled. Both were drown d out by the sound of Apollo’s rumbling stomach
Not Me: Uh huh!!
Me: Just as Apollo began to unhale. Inhale*. Taking an extra large breath to really stoke the flame growing in his throat
Not Me: Omg what happens as he was doing that?!?
Me: Lord Loxley shot an arrow across the sky
Not Me: Omg who is Lord Loxley?!?
Me: Attached to the arrow, a string. Rope*
Not Me: Oh he’s smart. They’re gonna climb out
Me: Loxley, often referred to as “Robin Hood”, had been pillaging the castle
Not Me: Oh no he wasn’t
Me: Upon hearing and feeling the thunderous growl of Apollo’s stomach, loxley went to a window opening to investigate. He saw the beast, seconds away from turning the princess and her companion into BBQ. And took action. The arrow fell
Not Me: Ooooo what happens!!! Type faster
Me: Landing directly into the hole in the beasts’ ear… the hole that was there for the earrings that princess would occasionally make Apollo wear
Not Me: Omg lol
Me: He used it to swing in, grab Rocky and Princess Piecake, and launce them all into the slow river
Not Me: Oh he saved them!!
Me: Apollo flapped his wings and stomped his feet. Then stormed off and went to sleep. Dragons hate water. The end