Me Ow

Did I ever tell you guys about the time that I was almost castrated by a cat? No? Well then, take a seat…

Now, I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned it on here before, and if you know me outside of my blog you most likely know that I grew up with cats. Aside from my early childhood, the first time that I didn’t have a cat in the house was when I moved out on my own. So, I’m ok with cats. Not necessarily a “fan”, but I can deal. I was/am actually kinda sorta considering getting a cat for my new place… We’ll see.

Full disclosure, this next part is going to involve a woman. Normally whenever I include someone (man or woman) in my posts I give them some sort of nickname. For this one, I got nothing. Cat Lady doesn’t really fit, especially given the way that I plan to end this. I don’t want to use her real name. When I was getting to know her we joked around about a thing or two but nothing really stands out enough for… Got it… I’m not sure if I’ll be able to include the reasoning here, but gonna call her FOX.

A couple years ago FOX and I met online and we hit it off right away. Everything was going great, until it became time to shit or get off of the pot. We were talking about meeting up, talking about when we would be able to go out on a date, when we realized that our schedules didn’t match up. At all. I have off Fridays and Saturdays and work 2nd and 3rd shift the rest of the week. FOX had two jobs, when I was working she was normally off and sleeping, and she pulled double shifts on Fridays and Saturdays.

At that point we kinda both decided that it wasn’t going to work. Then Friday came, and after a couple of drinks at work she… I’m starting to give too much backstory here, this isn’t what you came for… So, I get to her place and it’s one of those “please take your shoes off at the door” kinda deals. Well, as I’m taking my shoes off her cat swats at them. That was my introduction. I get the tour, we sit on the bed, and while we’re talking she repeatedly has to remove the cat from the bed.

Somehow the cat knew what was going on and stopped jumping onto the bed once FOX and I started making out… I’m sorry, not really, but kinda. I need to interrupt this story again to bring attention to this kiss. Worst I ever had, by FAR. Imagine someone opening their mouth as wide as possible, not making the slightest effort to match their lips to yours, sticking their tongue out as far as it will go, and randomly flicking/flopping it in different directions. Her tongue reminded me that I needed to shave, because it was on my chin. It almost made me sneeze, because it went into my nostrils, multiple times. And instead of alternating between soft and light, shallow and deep, circles around my tongue, she would occasionally bypass my tongue all together, make hers as straight and stiff as a board, and pull me in (making me literally gag) in an attempt to… I don’t know… That part I can only describe as her attempting to deepthroat me with her tongue, which is somehow the only part of this “kiss” that felt ANYTHING close to a kiss…

For a moment, I completely forgot about him, then things escalated. Once my “business” (I don’t know why or how I haven’t mentioned it here yet, but my business has a name. It’s Gaston. At some point I’m going to have to make a post about it, I guess. Oh, and the cat’s name is Gus) entered her “situation”, Gus lost his feline mind!

I mean, I hadn’t even bottomed out yet and he was already sprinting around her apartment, knocking things over, and meowing up a storm. During this rampage Gus was also clawing at the sides and bottom of the bed. Occasionally, Gus would jump and run across the bed. When the sheets would fall he’d scratch at them too. There was a couple of times throughout the night that I had to have a tug-of-war with him in order to get them back.

EVERY time the sheets fell I had a legitimate fear that Gus was going to see my sack and instinctively (crazily) swat at the furry balls. EVERY time we changed position I would frantically look around the room to try and locate Gus, to make sure that he didn’t end up turning Gaston into a scratch-post. When I walked to the bathroom Gus started to follow me, and I KID YOU NOT, he was staring at my business the whole time. I had to cup my hands and do a sort of sidestep and a juke (thanks Madden!) in order to distract him enough for me to get into the bathroom and close the door with him on the other side. And the entire time I was in the bathroom he was scratching at the door.

I know a lot of you are probably going to shake your head at this next part. But as you know a big part of this blog is made up of the most embarrassing things that I’m willing to publicly admit. So before I even say it I’m going to need you to get all the way off my back about it…

When I came out of the bathroom, we went for round two (off my back, please and thank you). Once again, Gus was fine, until the sex started, at which point he turned back up to 11. All the craziness from round one carried over to round two… And round three… Don’t judge me… At some point we ate, then went back to doing the Giggity Giggity Goo… I should mention, at no point (not even during our intermissions) did she mention what was going on with her cat. She didn’t even acknowledge it, at all! After our last go-round, Gus was already in the bed when I came back from the bathroom. I have NEVER been more afraid to get into a bed in my life.

As I crawled into bed, once again, Gus was fine. Like, really? He was purring, rubbing against us, I even got a few head-bumps in. And then the bastard fell asleep on my chest like we had been cool this entire time. Well, he started to fall asleep, but my ‘don’t get a parking ticket’ alarm started going off so I had an assist with making my escape, Karma. After all of this, the next woman I slept with owned two cats, and wanted more. Some lessons you gotta learn the hard way.

Until next time, purrfect dates are FAR from perfect.