God Has Spoken

Now, let me set the record straight. I really do not give a Satan’s Horn In Tinsel which religion you are! I don’t. If I had skin, Atheists and Scientologists would probably get under it a bit, but not enough for me to keep them out of Heaven. Contrary to popular belief, I never, not even once, said that one religion had a better chance of stepping through my pearly gates than another. I know, I know, your book says this, her book says that, and his book says something completely different. Spoon The Fork Up humans.
Before you run off taking them as the word of… Well… Me… Let me drop some knowledge on you. I did not write those books! The people who “wrote” those books didn’t even write them. They are stories that were overheard, passed down a couple generations, and then transferred to text. You don’t think that there could have been a bit of miscommunication, embellishing, fabrications, and flat out omissions along the way? C’mon people!
So, I sent my only begotten son down to Earth to die for the sins of all? Um… No. First of all, my “only son”? Really? You are all my children. I don’t even know how you guys kept this going on for this long. I love him to death (phrasing, I know), but in all honesty, Jesus is just the first (and currently most well known) martyr in the family. And I did not send him anywhere. Jesus more or less just snuck out of the house.
Just a quick side note, something that you might find interesting… In Heaven, we celebrate Christmas on December 25th… If you don’t see the humor in this you need to go back and re-read your book. Or… Google it.
Oh, another thing… I do not hate homosexuals. I am all knowing you know. I knew that you were eventually going to start putting your pieces in other places. You should see some of the things that your angelic counterparts are doing up here, same-sex sex is nothing! Speaking of transgenders… Oh, we weren’t speaking of transgenders. Well, we are now. I won’t go as far as to say that “I didn’t know that you all would eventually make your parts interchangeable”, however I will say that during creation this ranked as highly unlikely. Again, they’re your parts, do with them what you wish…
Annddd Metatron just told me to “wrap it up G”, so I guess I’ll stop rambling and end with this: Believe in me, believe in multiple versions of me, or believe that you have nothing to believe in, it really does not matter to me. Just do me a favor (before I smite you, just kidding just kidding, I gave that up a while ago), believe in yourselves, and each other.
P.S. “The Apple” was an actual apple… Not a metaphor for sex.

Thank your Ernes for the amazing picture!