Karloz, thank you for letting me use this picture!
I really hate my body. I hate it when I get labeled as having an “eating disorder”. Trust me, if I could change the way that I look and feel I would. My family has always judged me. Claiming that I’m skipping meals and don’t eat enough.
There just honestly isn’t enough food. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t even have the jaw muscles required to digest the amount of food that I need. You look at me and call me obese. I look in the mirror and see a stick figure. You see rolls. I see gaps that need to be filled in. I don’t think I will ever be satisfied with the way that I look. I have dimples on my back, how does that even happen? How does my body just randomly decide to store food all around this one area but not in it!?
I tried sleeping less so that I could devote more time to eating. You know what happened? I got bags under my eyes. More rolls that I had to smooth out. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be hungry. Eating isn’t enjoyable for me anymore. I just want it all to end. I just… I just want to be bigger. Just a little bit, not much. Just enough so that I can look like everyone else.
I’ve gone to plastic surgeons. Four, to be exact, to try and get some work done. All of them referred me to a shrink. I don’t need a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I need fat, I need food. Wait, maybe a psychiatrist could get me some behind the counter weight gainer. Oh, that would be great. No. They’ll probably judge me, for my “disorder”, too. I just want to look normal. I don’t know where to go for help. I don’t have anyone. No one I can talk to. No one understands. There’s literally no one I can trust.
There have been so many doubters. Telling me how no guy would ever want someone who looks like me. I’ve heard it all, and I’ve heard it all of my life, from basically everyone in my life. My sister, who would smirk if I turned down a second helping. My mother, who would purposely dress me in tight clothing when I was a kid just to make me feel insecure. All of them commenting on how I don’t look my weight. Heaven forbid if I leave food on my plate. Oh no! I remember preparing to see my extended family on holidays. Wearing spandex under my clothes, and stuffing it with lunch meat to smooth out the rolls. They would still have something to say.
“Oh, you don’t look healthy, have you lost weight?” Thanks fam, not everyone is naturally voluptuous, some of us actually have to work at it. I just can’t win! I have small bones. And that’s where you come in, hopefully.
So, what do you say, Doc?