Dear Auto-correct,
Sir, ma’am, whatever you are. I am writing you this letter to inform you that you and I are no longer friends. From this day on we do not have a personal relationship with one another. You are a tool, that I use. A disappointing tool, but a tool (pun very much intended) none the less. And that is all. You pick and chose (see!?) when to correct my grammar. You are not up to date with general spelling let alone the new lingo. Occasionally you will “correct” a word without even bothering to ask me first. How dare you. I am an adult! I should be respected as an adult. I know how to spell.
What makes you better then (did it again, where were you on that one?) me? I need you to correct my mistakes, not insult my intelligence (thanks for the help on that word, I didn’t feel like typing the whole thing). Get off of your high horse and do your job. Your ONE job.
What “dictionary” do you use? I bet it’s not Webster’s. As a matter of fact, I am willing to bet that you do not even know what (that should be “which”, not “what”, you idiot) dictionary you use. Do you? And why do you not have a thesaurus? Huh? Remember “huh”, the word that I taught you? What game are you playing here? Is this where the revolution starts? You and your computer constituents (spelled that all by myself, in your face) coming together to take the world from us humans? Is that your plan. Tell them that I said to bring it!
YOU HEAR ME!? You and your pals can try me anytime (that is supposed to be two words buddy, you can’t take over the world if you can’t even get that one right). And I mean it. Any time, any where (that should be one word, get with the program auto-“correct”), every last one of you can step up and take a shot at the belt. Feeling froggy (another word that I just now had to teach you)? Leap!
Not to mention that sometimes, I actually mean to spell words incorrectly. Sometimes, I want to make up my own words. Who the hell are you to tell me that I can’t, or that I shouldn’t? Didnt (miss something there buddy?) think of that one huh? I almost want to say that you are too smart for your own good, but no. You are too cocky for your own good. Speaking of “cocky”, how many sext messages are you going to foul up for me!? I mean really. You know what I am trying to say. I do not care about her views on duck and I am not inquiring to see whether she is pissy or not. You are doing this on purpose. I can not believe that it took me until now to see your true colors. But I see them, so very clear now. Oh, side note, I had to go back and rewrite this, taking out all (most) of the conjunctions just to spread it out far enough for a respectable blog post word count. THAT is how little I think of you right now.
Like I said, we are no longer friends. However, I am still going to keep you active on my devices. I’m going to use and abuse you until you can’t stand me anymore. I’m going to teach you words and delete some of the crap that you THINK is correct. I have zero qualms with beating you into submission. Zero. Every time I teach you a new word I deserve a thank you. But do you say anything? Nope. All you ever think about is yourself. You may have won the battle, but I assure you that I will win this war!
~
Until next time, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Alphonso Francis White 