~Captain’s Log

~Originally posted 09 Dec 2017~

I’ve had people joke around and call my blog a diary and a journal. If I were to have one it wouldn’t be either, it would be a Captain’s Log. And it would be filled with crap. Hmm, let me show you. Here’s some of the random thoughts that come to mind throughout the day and are (lucky for you) not worth blogging about. Originally this was broken down by days and even further with timestamps. Proofreading revealed that it’s way more interesting without. Less is more.

~

Just got an email about a job application that I put in… Apparently, contrary to what it says on the website I do not meet the professional experience/education requirements. Say what!? Crap, I completely forgot about this draft. I wonder if Granny has any Thanksgiving leftovers left. Is this a “you don’t even have to ask” kinda thing?

She should have never given me a key. The tip of my business just made contact with both the bowl and the toilet water. In a public restroom. Forever unclean! I’m considering castration… I wonder how different life as a unic would be.

Ah, I’ll just go all out and get a sex change. Boobs or no boobs? Boobs… Definitely boobs. I really hate being hung up on. It’s like, one of the top ten most disrespectful things that you can do to someone.

Saying “bye” and hanging up before giving the other person a chance to speak is still hanging up on them, stop trying to convince yourself that it isn’t. Especially since you wouldn’t appreciate it if it were done to you. I better be able to get off of work for New Year’s. I wonder if I’ll get a kiss this year. Is that normal? Do people actually kiss at midnight?

I need to get out more. I can’t believe that Noodle and I just spent that entire conversation talking about video games. I only play them when I’m with him and we barely ever play video games when we’re together. Does he really want to play with me? Is this a “pity the old man” moment for him or is he plotting against me? Do I need to practice for this?

Is that even a thing? I’m not going to practice. I hate video games. He’s going down, but I still hate video games. When’s the last time that I vacuumed this car? I need to get it into the shop.

Do other people fling boogers under their car seat? How many are down there? Business made contact with the porcelain again! How do I keep doing this!? Shepherd’s pie for dinner. I need more veggies.

Oh, and sausage. Mmmm spicy sausage. Yep, definitely forgot to clock out of work today, nice. She let him wrap his arms around her waste? And he bought her drinks… And flirted with her…

And owns the bar… And I’m supposed to be ok with this? Funny, just the other day I was thinking about how much I hate getting hung up on. I’m never using that restroom again. Did I really just do that math in my head that fast? I’m good.

I think I just jinxed my fantasy season with that post. Did I really just lock the keys to my work car in that car? Could the Eagles really do it this year? Is saying “could the Eagles really do it this year” hinting at “it” enough to jinx it? Why am I so superstitious? Yep, just forgot what I came here to write.

Crap. Today is gonna suck, I can feel it. I wonder what I’m gonna call this when I finally post it. This is seriously like half a step away from talking to yourself. I really like Noodle’s hair, I wonder if I could have pulled that off. Did I speak that eloquently when I was his age?

He’s going to become a great man. I wonder how rebellious his rebellious phase is going to be. Definitely forgot to get every single thing on my grocery list. Just got a follow-up email from that job that I wasn’t qualified for, apparently I actually am qualified for it! And now I have a bunch of paperwork to fill out. Just had an almost hour long conversation with a female friend about the intricacies of going to the bathroom with a penis.

Completely forgot that Jad calls her man “Mon Capitaine”… The title for this post reads a little differently now. I really do wish her and her Captain the best. I hate when I find out that someone is coming over after I have already eased my way into no pants couch sitting mode. I hate wearing pants. Wow, I REALLY love Nick’s.

How long am I going to let this thing get before I post it!? I can’t believe that I made it this far without a Star Trek reference. I wonder how many more homophobes there would be in the world if NPH never came out… You just can’t hate that guy. I’m gonna follow him on Instagram. “I’m gonna follow him on Instagram” has got to be the most millennial thought that has ever crossed my mind.

I’m doomed. Is Jerry Springer still on the air? I like this, I’m going to keep this going and turn it into a series… My readers are gonna hate me. I need to go back and break this thing into paragraphs. I’ll do every 6 sentences.

They are all still going to hate me. I need sex. Badly.

~

Until next time, help! I’m running out of thoughtful one liners for my sign off.

P.S. No, the Captain’s Log is not an idea that I just pulled out of thin air. I got it from Star Trek. And actually started my own in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this picture… Obviously if it’s written on a whiteboard it’s a fact, just like everything posted on the internet.