~The Talk

Originally posted 28 Oct 2017

So, recently I was talking to someone about random things from my past. The most recent topic was “most embarrassing stories”, what a coincidence! More specifically, we talked about accidentally walking in on our parents having sex. Don’t worry, I want to think about that as little as possible and write about it even less, so this post will not be about that. But yea… It happened. Our conversation reminded me of something kinda sorta similar.

I grew up in a house that was much bigger than what we needed. Not huge by any means, we just had more rooms than we needed. So every couple of years I would randomly decide to move into a different room of the house. At this time, in high school, I had the back room above the kitchen… Next to my parents bedroom… With an adjoining door. From I’d say 5^th grade until now (9^th -ish grade) my mom had cleaned my room MAYBE 5 times. This was the last time.

If I remember correctly, it was the summer between 8^th and 9^th grade and I had come home to what I thought was an empty house. I go to my room to grab a basketball, notice that a few things are out of place but think nothing of it, and return downstairs to find my father in the kitchen… Holding an adult movie in his hand. An adult movie that he had gotten from my mother. An adult movie that my mother had gotten from my VHS player (don’t act like you don’t remember VHS tapes!). An adult movie that my VCR had automatically ejected after the tape finished rewinding. An adult movie that I had put into my VCR after finding it in box under my dads side of the bed a couple days before.

This has turned into a joke that has come up randomly over the years so as you continue to read keep in mind that I pieced the rest of this together later. At the time I knew very little about what happened behind the scenes (I just caught this while proof-reading. I can’t believe that just came out the way that it did. “Behind the scenes”. I am equally disgusted and proud of myself for coming up with that… It stays… You’re welcome.)

My dad asked where I got it, I told him, and the “you shouldn’t be looking at things like this” talk that my mother apparently thought my father was having with me became the “don’t take things that aren’t yours” talk. I embarrassingly nodded my way through the conversation, then he made his way to the den to tell my mother what happened, and I went to meet up with my friends who were patiently waiting on my back porch where they could see and hear the majority of what just happened.

Let’s back up. My mom went to my room to look for something, saw that it was a mess, and decided to do a good deed and clean up for me (aww). She picked something up, put it on my dresser next to the TV, and noticed a movie hanging out of the VRC (ehh). Curiosity struck, she pulled the movie out, and lost her mind (oooh). She called my dad home from work to get him to talk to me about it. Their conversation was basically her repeating “you have to talk to him” and him trying to get out of the conversation with “he’s a boy”, “what do you want me to say”, and the best line of it all “at least we know that he’s not gay… I mean… I’d love him the same regardless. But now we KNOW”. I came home right after he spit that winning line out and my unamused mother motioned for him to talk to me.

Wow, these posts are getting longer and longer. I’ll wrap it up. My dad never actually told my mom where the movie came from. I guess right before that she had asked him to get rid of his collection and he either didn’t get around to doing it in time or he had just flat out said to himself “I’m going to hold on to this until she bring it up again”.

 

Until Next Time, please rewind.

P.S. There was no social media back then… Actually, there weren’t even digital cameras back then, so luckily there’s no photographic evidence of this event. So… Instead of wasting some random unrelated picture of me with an embarrassed look on my face I grabbed this gem off of the intewebs.