Captain’s Log À Trois

I’m not sure if you can call this a “date” or not, but I had a great time… With that said, when did we stop kissing on the first date? A coworker just interrupted me while I was picking my nose (don’t judge, you all do it too!) which resulted in me trying to “play it cool”… Speeding through the conversation with a Bat hanging halfway out of the cave. Happy New Year buddy, take that image with you into 2018! Yes, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

She’s breaking me down. I really hate lying, I don’t know how people do this so effortlessly. I wonder if my loved ones who have passed away can see me all the time. Like, do they ever accidentally check in on me during my “me time”? That was a pretty sick thought to have, I know. But…

Can they? And, do they? So she can’t see herself dating someone in the military, but wants to date me? And keeps pushing for a relationship, while also declaring how much she likes being single? I’m so confused. So, I was just educated on the existence and use of a Poop Knife.

I’m at a complete loss of words. I wonder what would happen if instead of working on free healthcare for all we started with free healthcare for all minors. A friend just sent me an article about #niggernavy… And now I’m going down the Black Twitter rabbit hole. I don’t care what you say, this thing is hilarious. This blows that H&M ad out of the water…

See what I just did there? Ok, I’m done. I just can’t get along with people who refuse to house train and basic obedience train their dog(s). I feel a couple more rants coming on, stay tuned. I just got told that in order for someone to look at my blog I’d have to copy it into word, double space it, and email it to them… Haha um, no.

If you give you dog a treat every day at the same it’s no longer a treat, it’s a meal. Just had a five minute conversation with a homeless guy, in a public bathroom, about how he was NOT following me to the bathroom. I SERIOUSLY can’t stand open-mouth chewers. Who the hell raised you!? If you think that the kneeling players were protesting the flag you are either an idiot, ignorant, or both. I can’t believe that we are still having this discussion.

I can’t believe that THIS is what I wake up to on Superbowl Sunday. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon… Nope, none of these apps are working, and it’s game time. I’m done trying, radio it is. Oh we didn’t score? Damn. 

3 points! I’ll take it. Brady is moving! This is way too easy. And, we stopped him! We came to play today! 

We’ve got ourselves a ball game! Big run… Big pass… Touchdown!!! Damnit, you couldn’t kick a soccer ball down a hallway! Whoosah… 

Goosfraba… What a hit, I hope he’s ok, kinda, you know what I mean. Not today Brady! Touchdown! That’s ok, I like the aggressiveness, we’ll get those two back later. Apparently this is the MEP (Missed Extra Point) game. 

Ok, I’m done holding back, I’m done restraining my feelings for fear of being disappointed. I’m in. I feel it, we’re gonna win this. What is up with these random shoes in parking lots? Dear God, I cannot WAIT to watch the highlights from this game, Nicky6 just scored a touchdown!? #OnTheRoadToVictory!!! Oh yea, I almost forgot, BDawk got into the Hall Of Fame!

I’m gonna go ahead and keep typing my play-by-play here, and we are definitely gonna go over my word count limit… I do what I want… Non sports fans, feel free to stop reading now. Ok boys, let’s come out this half with that same energy, keep it going. There we go. Touchdown! 

I love this game! Now stop Brady, and cover Gronk. C’mon guys! This game is too close, we need more separation here, let’s go. My prediction was 31-27 Eagles, looks like one going to be wrong on that one… But I still feel like we’re gonna come out on top. First down, keep it going. We need more than just that field goal, c’mon guys, you’ve got this. 

And someone is streaming the game on Facebook haha I love millennials. It’s delayed but it’ll do, I’d rather pay attention to Merrell and Mike anyway… This is kinda cool, seeing it after I hear it. And the Pats scored, I’m done watching, I don’t wanna jinx this, let’s go! Who the hell calls at a time like this!? I really wish my dad was here for this, it doesn’t matter how it ends he would have loved this. 

Yes, keep moving those chains. Yes, touchdown! Ertz so good! They’re reviewing the catch… I wanna go and watch it so bad, but I can’t, don’t wanna jinx it… C’mon… 

It stands! Touchdown! Ok D, we need a stop here. Fumble! Damn I love this game. Ok, we need a couple first downs. 

Two minute warning, let’s run this out. Too many people are texting me now, calm down guys, it ain’t over yet, let’s finish this. And the kick is good! Stop Brady, NOW! We’ve got this, let’s go. 3rd down, 48 seconds left, let’s go. 

26 seconds, c’mon. 41-33, 13 seconds… We won. My dad would have loved this. And my response to any and all questions for the foreseeable future will be “The Eagles won the Superbowl”!

Until next time, WE WON!

P.S. I know, a better football/military combo picture does not exist.