Naked And Afraid

Hmm, now what do I have in store for you today? Well, why not continue with the theme of “most embarrassing stories that I am willing to publicly admit”!?

Did I ever tell you that I used to live with my grandmother? No? Well, after I moved out of my parents place I had to move in with Granny for a bit until I got back on my feet. There ya go. Um… Did I ever tell you that Granny once walked in on me while I was standing buck naked in the middle of her house? No? Well…..

She said that she was going away for the weekend. A weekend which I randomly hard off of work which at the time NEVER happened. So, I decided to stay in the entire weekend and be lazy. Super lazy. Dirty dishes piling up in the sink, shopping bags full of trash next to the overflowing trashcan, zero clothing items worn all weekend kinda lazy. I mean, I helped her with her bags and walked her out to her car Thursday night, and that is the last time that I left the house that weekend kinda lazy. Ok. I think I made my point there.

I talked to her Saturday morning about some odd job that she wanted me to do around the house (I think it was painting) and then proceeded to hang out in my bedroom watching TV for the rest of the day… Again, I talked to my grandmom Saturday morning, and she never brought up when she would be coming home. That night I got the urge to make breakfast. I LOVE having breakfast for dinner, I mean seriously, if you want to cook me breakfast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on my birthday I won’t be offended. Actually, I’ll probably marry you.

So there I was, jamming out to whatever oldies station Granny had the radio in the kitchen set to and cooking up a storm. I mean, I got into it, there was Scrapple (if you don’t know you need to come to PA and find out), eggs, bacon, pancakes, some fruit, and I think I had some OJ with it as well.

I’m dancing and doing my thing at the stove and… Wait, did I mention that it was storming outside? Well, it was storming outside… So, I’m dancing and doing my thing at the stove, naked, when I hear the door. My grandmom has two big bushes outside of her house which during bad storms tend to scrape against the side of her house. I figured that what I was hearing was the bushes and not the door. And then the door creeked open. Now let me remind you, this is Saturday night, and I knew my grandmom was going to be away for the weekend. I leaned back around the wall between the living room and the kitchen so that I could see the doorway, and what do I see? You guessed it, Granny.

So me being me, I do what any good grandson would do in this situation, I yell “Granny you’re not supposed to be here! I’m naked!” Of course, she takes it as a joke and starts walking towards the kitchen to greet me. At this point I’m hugging the wall and flailing my free hand, trying to wave her off. Finally, at the last possible moment, she gets it and darts into her room. I cup my hands and run into mine half hiding/ half getting dressed. Again, like any good grandson would, I proceed to talk to yell through the house “I thought that you were going to be away this weekend.” She responds with “I was away for the weekend, it’s Saturday night Al”. We continue going back and forth for a bit, “yes Granny, it’s Saturday night, that’s not “the weekend””.

“Why are you naked?”

“I’m not naked.”

“Al, why were you naked?”

“You said the weekend!”

“It’s Saturday!”

“Yea! It’s Saturday!”

From that moment on, until I moved out, if she was going away for the “weekend” she would tell me exactly when she was coming back to the house. And from that moment on, whether she was home or not, I would not leave my room unless I was fully dressed.

Until next time, put some pants on!

P.S. No, I’m not actually naked in this photo. And yes, while searching for a picture for this post I did in fact come across a couple naked photos of myself (calm down ladies), but none of them displayed my “caught with my pants down” look quite like this one does.