Yup, Definitely A Hooker

You wanted to know more about me? For this post I honestly should probably just add a “most embarrassing things that I’m willing to publicly admit” category to my blog. Here’s some blackmail worthy material for ya. Before you read any further you should know that this story does not end with me paying for sex.

My work schedule is crazy, and has been for some time now. When I first started working for this company I would get off of work at midnight. I don’t know what it was, maybe the Greek god of whatever wanted to mess with me directly or the blah blah blah star was going crazy in some constellation or something, but either way I had a REALLY weird month a couple of years ago. Almost every Monday after work that month I ended up picking up a hitchhiker on my way home. Ok… Get off of your high horse for a second, I know it was stupid, but you weren’t there to tell me that then.

The first one was a father and his son walking in the rain. I passed a car on the side of the road, half a block away I came up on the two and offered them a lift. They were less than a mile away from home at that time so I really only drove them a couple of blocks. Then the next Monday, I went home a different way, and there was an older gentlemen by himself walking. He flagged me down, asked me for directions because he was from out-of-town and his phone died and blah blah blah. I hear this crap all of the time while I’m driving around the city, this seemed different, so I went with it. I told him that he was going the wrong way, I gave him a ride to the house that he was going, let him charge his phone in my car on the way, and he even had his friend run out to meet us. His friend gave me 10 bucks for my trouble.

Then, going a different way, on another Monday, I had just got off of work a minute or two ago and had just gotten on to the highway when I saw a pickup truck sitting on three wheels with the flashers on. The fourth wheel rolled by me, so this had just happened right before I got there. I stopped and stayed with the guy and his family until their tow truck arrived almost an hour later… Looking back on this now, I never told my girlfriend at the time about any of this, and she never questioned why I was coming home later than usual… Odd… Anyhoo…

The last time… The VERY last time that I will ever pick up someone on the side of the road was the following Monday. I forgot to get gas before work, so my fuel light came on on my way home. I went straight to Wawa, and from there I had to back track a bit and pull a u-turn in order to get back on course. As I was making that u-turn, in front of a strip club, a lady who was about my age ran across the street and flagged me down. Now, I tell you that I picked this girl up outside of a strip club and I can already tell what sort of image you have in your head. She looked like the exact opposite of what you are probably imagining, and to be honest I didn’t even think about the whole strip club thing until after I was about to drop her off.

She was business casual, pants and a button up top, semi-well spoken, and said that she just needed to get to the Wawa that I was just at so that she could use the MAC Machine (yea… I said it). And then she got in my car. Immediately after we start moving she starts telling me mixed stories about why she needs to go to Wawa, the fact that she is staying at a motel which is a known prostitute hang out, and she starts asking me about what I am doing after work. So, I have to invent ways to inject my girlfriend and the fact that we live together into the conversation. We get to Wawa and her story changes again. Before she gets out she asks me to wait for her so that I can give her a ride to the motel.

I didn’t feel like arguing, but I was definitely NOT going to that motel. I told her that I’d wait, and I could drop her off close by but I wouldn’t go out of my way. While she was in Wawa I sent two of my friends the usual “if you don’t hear from me in an hour tell the police that they can find my body around blah st and blah blah ave” text… Neither one of those friends questioned it. When she got back into the car she kept asking me to come with her and have some fun. Then, mid-conversation, she passed out. We were only five minutes away, but that was a LONG five minutes.

I spent that entire five minutes imaging myself trying to explain to a cop that “yes officer, I did pick up a hooker outside of a strip club, but no, I’m not paying her for sex, just giving her a ride to this shady motel”. Thankfully, it never came to that.

Well, I dropped her off on a corner by the highway and as I made my way onto the on ramp I could see her meeting up with two other women (who, judging by their clothes (or lack thereof), were definitely hookers) in my rearview mirror. I texted my buddies “ALIVE” on my way home.

Until next time, don’t feel bad when you ignore hitchhikers.

P.S. Wow this was a long post! Sorry, but after telling you all that I would keep doing two new posts a week through the end of the year and immediately becoming too busy on my workation to publish a second one last week I kinda felt like I owed you. Anyhoo, you know when you lie to get out of going out with your friends just so you can spend the night couch surfing? This picture is from one of those nights. Drew invited me out, I refused, then woke up to a “you shouldda been there” text and a notification that I was tagged in a picture on Facebook. I’m his right boob. I tagged his brother as his left boob….. You know, I never noticed that stain at the bottom of his shirt, until just now, couldn’t have worked out better if he planned it.